Last year you weren’t kind to me, or maybe I wasn’t kind to myself. Either way, I still blame you. Here it is, only mid-January and I’m already starting to think about you. I am terrified of you and even that is an understatement. I beg you, February, be kinder to me this year than you were last. I promise to meet you halfway.
We both know it, so I’ll just say it, I hate you. I hate you because Luke slipped away on your “watch”, he suffered through so many of “your” days. Has it really been two years since you took him from us? You remind me of his pain, you remind me he is really gone and you remind me of my broken heart. I hate you because you gave me what was easily the worst day of my life. I hate you for what you did to me last year, even worse the year before when you took him from me. For the last two years, you have watched me crumble, you made me someone I hate and someone I never want to be again. I don’t want to fight you like I did last year. Can we skip that this year?
I get it, how can YOU be kinder to me when I am so angry with you, when I hate you so much? My anger does nothing to you but it is poison to me. If I stop hating you so much, will you help me out a little this year? Please, can we call a truce? You should know my life is going well right now and I am actually pretty happy. February, please leave me be, don’t take anything away this year. Please don’t let me take anything away from myself, take away my own joy. Please don’t fill my thoughts with what I should have done leading up to “that day”. If you could let me sleep this year, that would be nice, you didn’t let me sleep much last year and your nights were so long. I know I might cry some and that’s okay, I’m no stranger to tears. Let’s try for just a few days with dry eyes. If I feel angry, (WHEN more accurately) just because I see your name, remind me who you are.
How will I meet you halfway? I will take better care of my thoughts and remember that even though you knocked me down last year, I fought you and I am still standing. I will surround myself with people who “get it”, people who have and will love me through anything. You made me impossible to be around last year, you even talked me into pushing people away. You made me someone I didn’t want to be but they still saw me, the real me, not the me you have tried so desperately to make me. As dark as you may try to make the days, I will find light, I will be the light. I will count my blessings, that will keep me busy, I have so many. IF I have a bad day, I won’t let you convince me to stay there, I will lean into my grief and then I will gracefully let it wash over me, not drown me.
I will remember Luke, I will honor his memory but I will not lose myself to you. I don’t want to dread you or fear you. Blaming you, giving you the power to wreck me isn’t something I want to do this year or any year after. I won’t give you power. I forgive you, February. I am waving my white flag. On the 28th, the day you took him, I will honor him, I will give that day to him, not you. I will acknowledge the significance of the date. I will cry when I feel the urge, but please do not mistake my tears for weakness, they are reminders that I have survived your destruction for almost two years.
Please remember I am not who you met last year. In return, I will forgive you. If you’re still thinking of trying to tear me down, I will remind myself, and you, that you’re nothing more than 28 days out of 365. This too shall pass, peace by piece.
See you soon,
A healing broken heart