I will preface this entry with a huge dose of honesty! I don’t typically struggle with honesty but this is a bit tough for me to admit. I am lonely, I have been feeling lonely. Not lonely in the sense that I am alone a lot. I am surrounded by amazing people who love me, both near & far. I have no shortage of connections with people or friendships but I still find myself feeling alone, which is odd. Maybe lonely isn’t even the best word to use. What’s the word for missing not just a person but a relationship? I miss the comfort, the security of having a partner.
One of the things I miss most about Luke is how he made me feel. When I was an event planner and my event would make the paper he would buy five or six copies and we couldn’t go anywhere without him bringing it up. When I ran my first 5K he told everyone we saw for weeks! He was so, so proud of me, so proud of J. He was a man who knew how to celebrate successes and I loved that about him, how special he could make me feel, almost to the point of embarrassment. I recently got a promotion at work and I am thrilled but something was missing when I didn’t have him to share it with, he wasn’t here to make me feel that kind of special “a child on their birthday” special.
Don’t get me wrong, when I look around at what I’ve accomplished, I am incredibly proud of myself. So, a part of me is proud but there is another part that is just tired. I’m tired and I’m sad that I’ve done it by myself. I’m thankful I’ve shown my son what it means to be strong and independent but I still sometimes wish life had dealt me a different hand. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be so strong or so independent. For the longest time I’ve been mad that I didn’t get “forever”. I’m mad that I’m 32 and I’m nowhere near finding someone to share “forever” with. I feel cheated. It’s not fair. I want a partner. I want someone to love me forever.
Then it occurred to me, Luke did love me forever. He loved me for the rest of his life and while it feels so unfair that his forever was so short, it helps remind me that forever is relative and regardless of the cards we’ve been dealt we have to make the most of our forever. He isn’t here to love me, he’s not here to buy a newspaper or to call me Senior Director Stephanie for weeks after my promotion. He wasn’t here when I bought my house or picked out furniture but I know how proud he is of me and I know if he could be here, he would. I miss him. I miss my forever but I know his love still surrounds me. I’m honored he chose me to love. Luke loved me for forever, his forever.
Request/Note: Please don’t feel sorry for me. I write what I know others feel. Loneliness is something we all experience at some point in our lifetime, whether or not we have experienced grief. Please don’t look at me like I’m so different because I choose to be honest about it.
So, here’s to forever. Xo – Steph