Nothing about grief is rational, so when you have someone who has a fairly rational take on very irrational feelings and they try to rationalize the situation, that’s probably not going to work.
All of a sudden I couldn’t breathe, it was happening, I was having a panic attack. I got to my car and drove across the street to the cemetery, I just wanted to be close to Luke and I needed a “safe place” …
Space for love, happiness, forgiveness, peace with my past, hope for my future. I want space to let go of what was said, what wasn’t, what never will be said or heard. I want more space to celebrate my successes and less space for criticizing myself. I want space to grow, to help, to continue to heal, not only myself, but others.
We still have this bag, it is still filled with loose Lego pieces that may never get put back together, but he has the pieces and for him, that seems to be enough. It’s still his and Luke’s. It all made sense.
Grief doesn’t diminish the good & happy things in your life but the good & happy things won’t take your grief away. You have to carry it all, in constant conflict.
Thank you for praying for my broken heart even though your own heart is shattered. Thank you for giving me permission to move forward. Thank you for knowing me well enough to know that I would need your permission. Thank you for giving me space and freedom to express my grief in any way I’ve needed to.
…I had to take a minute to process how profound his thoughts are. I could hardly believe how perceptive he was of the situation and how truly thoughtful he was in regards to it, how reflective.
Here it is, only the beginning of January and I’m already starting to think about you. I am terrified of you. I beg you, February, be kinder to me this year than you were last, and I promise to meet you half way.
Experiencing grief takes you down a painful path, you lose pieces of yourself, some you get back, others you don’t. There is no coming out on the “other side” because once you really experience grief, your path, your direction changes entirely and you’re just not going that way anymore.